I sit in my living room stressing about some things in my life, or rather, a lack of some things in my life. It's been four or five days since I finished reading Joe Vitale's "Zero Limits." I loved the book, and I loved the Ho'oponopono way of healing. I've been reciting the healing phrases to myself almost constantly since reading the book. But I've only been getting tiny moments of happiness and peace. I'm sitting here repeating the phrases over and over to myself trying to figure out ways to fix the problems. We don't have a running vehicle, and have a lack of money to fix that problem. There's a ticket fee I have to pay, and the money for that will be coming out of the money I set aside to pay the phone bill. Other bills are behind as well. Suddenly it dawns on me that I've been too attached to these problems. I've had the feeling that it's a life or death situation. And this would be why the problems aren't being solved. I have to ask the Universe or Divine with an; "It would be really cool if...." attitude, and trust the Universe will find a solution and inspire me to action. Suddenly, Club Nouveau's version of "Lean on Me" comes on the radio. I instantly know this is a message from the Divine. I need to "lean on" the Universe instead of trying to will things and events to my own liking. A feeling of love and peace flows through me. I feel happy and at one with the Divine. I cleanse the memories or programs in me surrounding my "problems", and let it go. It's in the Divine's field now.

Well, SO has two sets of orders. He's going to Alabama in January for two months for schooling, and in April, he's going to Japan. But he'll be going alone. In order for us to go, he'd have to be there for the full three years, but for that to happen, he'd have to reenlist. He'd rather not do that to keep his options open. I'm sure he's tired of the army now. As you can imagine, I'm pretty upset about it. He just got back from Iraq last month, and that was the first time he met our son. Now, he's going to be gone again. He left a little while ago to go look at a car for me. He doesn't want to worry about a vehicle for me while he's gone. I don't like cars. And he knows this. I know he's trying to help, but it made me a little more upset. When he got home, he pulled pictures of it up online for me to look at. It doesn't matter if he picked out the vehicle I most want with all the options on it, I probably wouldn't have liked it. The situation bothers me, and I have no control over any of it. The fact that he's picking out a vehicle for me, makes me feel even less in control. I keep repeating a paraphrased Buddha quote to myself in attempt to make myself feel better: life is suffering, but once you realize that life is suffering, you no longer have to suffer. You are free. At that point you realize that life is a theatrical experience and you are just playing your part in the script of life. You are detached. You are, in many respects, awakened.

I bought a personality type book awhile ago. I started reading it recently, and found my personality type. As I was reading the chapter about me, I felt chills. It was as if they were writing about me personally. I actually felt exposed. When I got to the part about how my type handles stress, it felt like I had been slapped in the face. It made me realize a lot about some past events. Things I thought happened one way, but were actually the opposite. I was seeing myself as if I were outside myself. A very profound experience. It's actually been bothering me. It's like finding out your best friend isn't at all who they say they are. I relived pieces of my past through someone else's eyes, and it's been nagging at me. My thought process is now at the front of my attention. Someone says something, and I watch my immediate thoughts to the comment. I'm watching for my own degradation. The downward spiral of my personality type is very disturbing to me. I turn inward, and stop living my life. I become the walking dead. Of course, that's why it bothers me, it's my personality, it's what happens to me when I get upset. Even though I can't stop thinking about this, I'm actually very grateful for having read it. I now know the signs. I also know what happens to those around me when I'm under stress or when I enter a depressive state. I know what to watch for to halt that downward spiral, and become healthy again. Reading about your own personality type can help explain why you do certain things, why you have certain likes, and how you interact with those around you. It also shows you at your unhealthy state, shows you how others see you. Then you learn how to protect your psyche from tearing itself apart.

It's 5:00 in the morning. I sit at my computer desk, nursing my five month old. I blow at a few stray hairs dangeling in front of my face, I didn't even bother to fix my hair. Blinking a few times, I stare at my computer screen. I begin clicking on junk emails to be deleted. Suddenly DS unlatches and pushes himself away to stare at me. I slowly glance down at him, and a huge smile appears on his face. He shies into me, and starts eating again. It occurs to me that no matter how I look or behave he is always happy to see me in the morning. He gives me smiles just about every time I look at him. My thoughts move to DD, and I realize she's almost the same way. Every morning, she comes down the stairs, and says "Hi Mommy! How are you?"
It's not just because I'm their mother. I can recall times when DS smiles and giggles at other people, and DD becomes instant best friends with them. This usually makes people laugh or at least smile. When a baby smiles at you, for an instant you forget about everything else in the world, and just experience happiness. You don't care what the baby looks like or how he's dressed, and that baby doesn't care what you look like or that you may be dressed a certain way.
I once commented about DD's habit of becoming friends with strangers to a friend, and I was told that she would eventually grow out of it. I now believe she won't "grow" out of it, but be forced out of it. We, as a society and as parents, without even trying, teach kids to behave and look certain ways because they are acceptable in our eyes. We pace along a worry, a constant worry about what others think of us, about how we look in their eyes. So, we grow up, careing what the people around us think about us instead of what we think about ourselves. We spend our how lives trying to live up to other people's standards instead of finding happiness within ourselves. We seem to never be satisfied with ourselves the way we are because the world never seems to be satisfied with us. The person walking around in a clown outfit shouldn't be condemned, they should be admired. They've gotten past caring about what you and I think. They're secure enough in themselves to wear something crazy in everyday life. But childern haven't yet learned to be judgemental. They don't see the outfit you're wearing and look down on you for wearing last season's clothes. They only see you, who you are, and love you for it.
Babies see and feel something in each person that adults have learned to ignore. Some call it intuition, some call it gut instinct. Ever notice how a baby will be fine when people are passing him off to one another, and then instantly start crying when they are held by a certain person? They see something in that person they don't like, it has nothing to do with the way they look, but what and who they are inside. Most of us experience this later in our lives, but how many times do we chalk it up to paranoia? I have, and later this person reveals who they really are. I end up regretting not listening to my instinct.
When we don't agree with or don't like someone we place ourselves above them. We think we're better than them. We aren't. We're just different from them. And that's ok because we weren't meant to all be the same. We just need to see how we can learn this from children instead of passing all our issues onto the next generation.

I woke up this morning to DD yelling from her room down the hallway. She yells once, and listens to see if I'm up and moving, then yells again. I tend to drift back to sleep in between her yells, so she yells a little louder and a little longer. I begin to regain conscienceness, and hear my no-name kitten meowing, almost pleading. I realize that she isn't sleeping on my feet like she usually does. She's calling to me from somewhere down the hallway. I assume she's in DD's crib, calling to me to come get them. I sigh, and roll out of my moutain-high bed that you would need a step-ladder to get in and out of if you're on the short side. Stumbling into the bathroom, I notice that the kitten's pleading is coming from somewhere in this room. There are several ways for my pets to get under the tub, when Caboose is out, I have to block off all these entrances because he will either fall asleep in there(and end up stinking to high heavan) or find some hole down there for him to get outside. I assumed the cat wouldn't be interested in venturing into these areas, boy was I wrong. At this point I'm thinking she found her way under the tub, and just needs me to call to her from one of these "portals to the dark place" to find her way out. I use the toilet, and go to the sink to get a drink of water, and realize her meowing, which is now getting on my nerves, is coming from below my feet. I glance down, and what do I find? My cat is under the floor vent........one of her paws and her tiny nose are sticking up through the slits. I grab DD, retrieve the drill, and set to unscrewing the vent. One of the screw holes is stripped, so it doesn't want to come unscrewed. I haven't had my morning coffee, and I'm having to rescue a cat from inside a heat register while my 11 month old daughter thinks it's hilarous and is trying to play with the kitten while it's still stuck. I unscrew the other side, and pull that half up, and out comes the kitten. Cat and child are reunited. Isn't living in a trailor the best???