I sit in my living room stressing about some things in my life, or rather, a lack of some things in my life. It's been four or five days since I finished reading Joe Vitale's "Zero Limits." I loved the book, and I loved the Ho'oponopono way of healing. I've been reciting the healing phrases to myself almost constantly since reading the book. But I've only been getting tiny moments of happiness and peace. I'm sitting here repeating the phrases over and over to myself trying to figure out ways to fix the problems. We don't have a running vehicle, and have a lack of money to fix that problem. There's a ticket fee I have to pay, and the money for that will be coming out of the money I set aside to pay the phone bill. Other bills are behind as well. Suddenly it dawns on me that I've been too attached to these problems. I've had the feeling that it's a life or death situation. And this would be why the problems aren't being solved. I have to ask the Universe or Divine with an; "It would be really cool if...." attitude, and trust the Universe will find a solution and inspire me to action. Suddenly, Club Nouveau's version of "Lean on Me" comes on the radio. I instantly know this is a message from the Divine. I need to "lean on" the Universe instead of trying to will things and events to my own liking. A feeling of love and peace flows through me. I feel happy and at one with the Divine. I cleanse the memories or programs in me surrounding my "problems", and let it go. It's in the Divine's field now.

Well, SO has two sets of orders. He's going to Alabama in January for two months for schooling, and in April, he's going to Japan. But he'll be going alone. In order for us to go, he'd have to be there for the full three years, but for that to happen, he'd have to reenlist. He'd rather not do that to keep his options open. I'm sure he's tired of the army now. As you can imagine, I'm pretty upset about it. He just got back from Iraq last month, and that was the first time he met our son. Now, he's going to be gone again. He left a little while ago to go look at a car for me. He doesn't want to worry about a vehicle for me while he's gone. I don't like cars. And he knows this. I know he's trying to help, but it made me a little more upset. When he got home, he pulled pictures of it up online for me to look at. It doesn't matter if he picked out the vehicle I most want with all the options on it, I probably wouldn't have liked it. The situation bothers me, and I have no control over any of it. The fact that he's picking out a vehicle for me, makes me feel even less in control. I keep repeating a paraphrased Buddha quote to myself in attempt to make myself feel better: life is suffering, but once you realize that life is suffering, you no longer have to suffer. You are free. At that point you realize that life is a theatrical experience and you are just playing your part in the script of life. You are detached. You are, in many respects, awakened.

I bought a personality type book awhile ago. I started reading it recently, and found my personality type. As I was reading the chapter about me, I felt chills. It was as if they were writing about me personally. I actually felt exposed. When I got to the part about how my type handles stress, it felt like I had been slapped in the face. It made me realize a lot about some past events. Things I thought happened one way, but were actually the opposite. I was seeing myself as if I were outside myself. A very profound experience. It's actually been bothering me. It's like finding out your best friend isn't at all who they say they are. I relived pieces of my past through someone else's eyes, and it's been nagging at me. My thought process is now at the front of my attention. Someone says something, and I watch my immediate thoughts to the comment. I'm watching for my own degradation. The downward spiral of my personality type is very disturbing to me. I turn inward, and stop living my life. I become the walking dead. Of course, that's why it bothers me, it's my personality, it's what happens to me when I get upset. Even though I can't stop thinking about this, I'm actually very grateful for having read it. I now know the signs. I also know what happens to those around me when I'm under stress or when I enter a depressive state. I know what to watch for to halt that downward spiral, and become healthy again. Reading about your own personality type can help explain why you do certain things, why you have certain likes, and how you interact with those around you. It also shows you at your unhealthy state, shows you how others see you. Then you learn how to protect your psyche from tearing itself apart.